Sometimes I feel like I can do it, like it all means something.
Like maybe one day I won't weigh 170 kilos.
Like maybe one day I'll walk past a pretty girl in the street on a mildly windy day, sweep back my hair, and she'll be so struck by how god damn handsome I am that like in a terrible movie, time for her will slow down, and I'll continue walking, in slow motion, the epitome of cool. I want to, just once, have that effect on a woman.
Then I realize that I haven't left the house this weekend, the only liquid I've drunk is coca cola, and that all I've eaten is bad carbs. As this sinks in, I start thinking about how much of a dumbass I am, about how because of behaviour like this all my hard work means nothing.
Then I eat some more, and think about nothing for twenty minutes.
This is my thought process. This is my pattern of self-destruction.
How the hell do I beat something like that? How do I stay positive?
The hardest time for me is in the evenings, when I get home from work, and in the weekends, which is silly, because that is when I actually have time to cook, but for some reason can never be bothered, and often I fantasize about all the fattening foods I want to eat but SHOULD never touch, sometimes to the point where I pick up a phone and actually order them.
Food is my drug, my addiction.
But unlike most junkies, who will swear they need the smack to live, I really do need food to live. I'll never be free of it, of this need for it.
And that scares the hell out of me. I feel... helpless, powerless, like I'm just in the middle of some nightmare that I can magically wake up from.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Self-discovery/self-improvement plan.
Hello, people that I probably don't know. Welcome to ConductoBlog. Here, I will primarily be tracking my progress on stuff, and post some random stuff from time-to-time as well.
Facebook doesn't seem like the right place for posts like this, so here it is. I've been thinking about my life, the universe, and everything for awhile, worrying about my weight, wondering why I fail, wondering why my life sucks so bad, and basically here are the things I came up with. Any suggestions, criticisms, and flaming poop will be greatly appreciated.
1. Learn to love myself
- Stop lying to myself and others about how well I've been doing, without bitching about it. I have not really been doing well. When I started attending the gym, I was 191kg, and got down as far as 167kg. I'm now back to nearly 180. This must NOT continue, and is not a reason to quit. It simply means that I have to harden up.
- Stop bitching about stuff, especially stuff I don't know SFA about. I do it waaay too much and probably come off sounding very whiny at best, and arrogant and ignorant at worst.
- Stop using food as an unprescribed medication. Stop allowing circumstances such as "but everyone else is ordering pizza!" as an excuse for this. Stop spending money on terrible food like Maccas or pizza entirely. Just because my trainers have told me I can sustain having one bad meal per week does not mean I have to have at least one bad meal per week. A bad meal does not need to contain pizza or chips to be bad. Making meals too large is just as bad if not worse, even if all said meals consist of is lean meat, vegetables, and rice. An entire pouch of microwave rice is too much. I must not eat simply because I have nothing better to do.
- Start attending the gym more often, and being more honest with my trainer and the people around me. This will help me gain more confidence, look better, and feel better. I aim to drop at least 10-20 kilos by next year, while sustaining a healthy pattern of eating to exercise ratios.
- Come up with a list of stuff that is good about me, possibly with the help of some other people I trust to tell the truth. Learn to accept compliments without brushing them off as "people lying to me because it is what they think I want to hear". I do have some good traits, and people should occasionally praise me for them. To say anything else is an insult to them, and an insult to me. Embrace my good points.
- Come up with a list of stuff that is bad about me, ideally with the help of some other people I trust to tell the truth. Work on the bad points.
- Think about a job that I can see myself doing and being happy in, then if necessary, start to acquire qualifications extramurally for said job. Stop worrying about the future and start ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING to make sure that when the future eventually comes that I can hit it with a smile on my face.
Anyway, that is the plan that I intend to follow, I'll be building a day-to-day plan soon, that's just a vague outline of objectives.
Facebook doesn't seem like the right place for posts like this, so here it is. I've been thinking about my life, the universe, and everything for awhile, worrying about my weight, wondering why I fail, wondering why my life sucks so bad, and basically here are the things I came up with. Any suggestions, criticisms, and flaming poop will be greatly appreciated.
1. Learn to love myself
- Stop lying to myself and others about how well I've been doing, without bitching about it. I have not really been doing well. When I started attending the gym, I was 191kg, and got down as far as 167kg. I'm now back to nearly 180. This must NOT continue, and is not a reason to quit. It simply means that I have to harden up.
- Stop bitching about stuff, especially stuff I don't know SFA about. I do it waaay too much and probably come off sounding very whiny at best, and arrogant and ignorant at worst.
- Stop using food as an unprescribed medication. Stop allowing circumstances such as "but everyone else is ordering pizza!" as an excuse for this. Stop spending money on terrible food like Maccas or pizza entirely. Just because my trainers have told me I can sustain having one bad meal per week does not mean I have to have at least one bad meal per week. A bad meal does not need to contain pizza or chips to be bad. Making meals too large is just as bad if not worse, even if all said meals consist of is lean meat, vegetables, and rice. An entire pouch of microwave rice is too much. I must not eat simply because I have nothing better to do.
- Start attending the gym more often, and being more honest with my trainer and the people around me. This will help me gain more confidence, look better, and feel better. I aim to drop at least 10-20 kilos by next year, while sustaining a healthy pattern of eating to exercise ratios.
- Come up with a list of stuff that is good about me, possibly with the help of some other people I trust to tell the truth. Learn to accept compliments without brushing them off as "people lying to me because it is what they think I want to hear". I do have some good traits, and people should occasionally praise me for them. To say anything else is an insult to them, and an insult to me. Embrace my good points.
- Come up with a list of stuff that is bad about me, ideally with the help of some other people I trust to tell the truth. Work on the bad points.
- Think about a job that I can see myself doing and being happy in, then if necessary, start to acquire qualifications extramurally for said job. Stop worrying about the future and start ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING to make sure that when the future eventually comes that I can hit it with a smile on my face.
Anyway, that is the plan that I intend to follow, I'll be building a day-to-day plan soon, that's just a vague outline of objectives.
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